How to Become a Better Listener

It's not easy to be a good listener. Most of us are constantly on the go, with lots of things on our minds, and we have constant distractions that compete for our attention. But it's important to develop listening skills, not only to help you in building professional relationships, but also to help you relate to your family, understand your friends, and build deeper relationships with the important people in your life.

Step 1

Pay attention to the person who is talking to you. We often only half-listen, and use our energy and concentration to think about the phone call we just ended or the argument we had or the long list of stuff we still have to get done. Concentrate on what is being said and put your effort into hearing and understanding what the other person is telling you. It takes effort to keep your mind from wandering, but with practice, it will become second nature to pay full attention to the person who is talking to you.

Step 2

Be honest. If you really don't have time to have a deep conversation, if you are worried, stressed, or anxious about a big situation in your life, or if you are under time constraints and need to be somewhere else very soon, just tell the person. It's better to reschedule and find a time when you can really listen than try to rush the person along.

Step 3

Ignore distractions, whether they are mental ("Did I pay the electric bill?") or environmental (sun moves behind a cloud) or otherwise (pretty lady walks by). Focus on the person who is talking to you, and don't make random comments about your unrelated thoughts or unconnected things going on around you. Turn off or silence your cell phone. Ignore the text messages. You can check them later.

Step 4

Make eye contact. Don't stare without interruption, as that tends to make people uncomfortable. But be sure that you watch the other person's face, make eye contact regularly, and nod in agreement or to show that you understand.

Step 5

Don't interrupt. Nobody likes to be interrupted. It says, loud and clear, that you care a lot more about what you want to say than about what the other person is saying. So wait your turn, even if it means you have to wait a little while.

Step 6

Ask questions that are related to the conversation. Ask what is meant by a certain description or statement if you don't understand. Use questions to clarify what the other person is saying, to show that you are listening, to ask for additional details, and to be sure that you understand the context, the emotions, or the significance of what is being said.

skill

tip

Some people don't know when to stop talking, and you may find it necessary to graciously interrupt in order to clarify something or end the conversation. Try laying your hand on the other person's arm and leaning forward slightly. Usually the physical contact will cause the other person to stop talking, or at least to pause, and you can insert a courteous, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but..." statement.

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listen, friendship, relationship, conversation, social skills